The Inexplicability and Intricacies of Love Depicted in “Vaulting the Sea” and “Algal Bloom”

"my heart was so big i became it." artbells on instagram

“His secret desires were perplexing and Taoyu knew only that what he was feeling was wrong. This knowledge overpowered him like a hand to his throat. How long could he hide it from his best friend?” (Wang 118).

“If I were to diagnose something special about that summer,... I would say it was the last year before language reached all the parts of me, before words started knocking softly on my head, trying to get in. When I think about it, when I think about Vienna, this is where my mind goes more often than not” (Harlan 11).

“Vaulting the Sea” by Xuan Juliana Wang depicts Taoyu, a young diver, and his blossoming relationship with his partner Hai as they grow up together in an athletic boarding school. “Algal Bloom”  by Kathryn Harlan follows pre-teens Julie and Vienna as the former navigates her feelings in a setting of ecological crises. Both portray introspective coming-of-age stories that both center themselves around queer yearning and developing feelings. “Vaulting the Sea” provides a more explicit description of Taoyu’s feelings and defines his feelings towards Hai as he grows up, while “Algal Bloom” presents implicit feelings that are picked up in the subtext and Julie’s interactions with Vienna. It is important to note both the temporal and physical settings of each story. Wang shows Taoyu growing up in China over an extended period of time, in comparison to Harlan’s storytelling occurring over one summer.

One of the major themes of “Algal Bloom” is the notion of being unable to name one’s feelings, highlighted in the selected passage. Julie is unable to vocalize her feelings for Vienna, so her feelings are rather understood through her actions and the subtext of the story. With Julie being younger, the story provides a realistic depiction of a pre-teen navigating her feelings without quite being able to put a name to them yet. From Julie seeking validation in everything she does to fantasizing about saving Vienna, her actions convey her feelings. 

In contrast, the readers watch Taoyu’s feelings flourish as he grows older and how he struggles to come to terms with them. On top of that, living in China in which homosexuality is seen as taboo, Wang demonstrates his conflict with his internalized homophobia. He describes his attraction as “secret desires [that] were perplexing,” indicating that they were something to be hidden, and even calls it “wrong.” Julie rarely confronts her feelings for Vienna, and instead, the readers see her reaction and the effect she has on her. “Vaulting the Sea” explicitly discusses Taoyu’s attraction toward Hai, while “Algal Bloom” intentionally omits a direct explanation of Julie’s crush to highlight the notion of “unnamed feelings.”

The quotations were taken from a similar stage of the protagonists’ lives—adolescent years—and speak to each other in how they portray blossoming feelings. When looking at these excerpts together, both authors so perfectly encapsulate the unfamiliar feelings of queer love. The authors utilize physical responses that emphasize the characters’ experiences, and how their emotions dominate them. For both, their love is seen as an uncertain thing in these passages. Taoyu’s feelings are depicted in a more aggressive way as “a hand to his throat” overpowering him—which can be understood due to the setting of the story—while Julie describes it as “words…knocking softly on [her] head,” a much softer depiction. Nevertheless, the readers get a sense of their shared visceral feelings, despite being shown in different ways. The two stories express thoughts that transcend words and can be only shown through physical reactions, rather than mere descriptions. Both beautifully describe the turbulence and uncontrollable aspect that comes with having such strong feelings.

Perhaps Julie’s narrative would have reflected Taoyu’s if “Algal Bloom” depicted more of her life, but nonetheless, both stories do a wonderful job detailing the intricacies of feelings and are some of my favorites from the collection! (also sorry for my overuse of the word “feelings,” I couldn’t think of better synonyms.)

Potential for a Different Narrator in “The Evolution of My Brother”? Unpacking Jenny’s Character

“The Evolution of My Brother” by Jenny Zhang focuses on the oldest sister of an immigrant family, and her relationship with her brother, who is nine years younger than her. Why is it significant that the story focuses on the oldest daughter of an Asian immigrant family? What makes Jenny such a compelling narrator?

While each family member’s place in the family is unique, the first-born daughters take on a particular role. The term “eldest daughter syndrome” has been floating around in mainstream media, and Cosmopolitan describes it as “generally equat[ing] to picking up the mental load for the family…doing emotional labour for the family, and undertaking domestic labour too”—essentially, they adopt more responsibilities than any other siblings would. Jenny’s role in the family is significant to the plot of the story and something to consider when analyzing her relationship with her brother and rationalizing her thoughts and emotions.

Jenny takes on obligations given to her by her parents when it comes to considering the family. Women tend to take on a more domestic role than their male counterparts, and with the prevalence of gender roles and pressure from society, they feel more inclined to take on a motherly role. Throughout the story, the readers can see how responsible Jenny feels for her younger brother, to the point where she takes on more responsibilities in place of her parents. In a flashback, it is revealed what she and her brother were supposed to do when their parents were gone: “Five hours until I had to cover up everything that went on in our house before our mother returned from work, and eight or nine or ten hours before our father came home and checking in on us…We were already on our own…we were told to keep all the blinds tightly shut and all the curtains closed. ‘So that no one knows you’re home alone,’ our mother explained.” (171-172). It is assumed that this was a frequent situation, as Jenny describes how her parents are at work for many hours, leaving them alone. Her parents further entrust their son to the care of their eldest daughter’s hands. It even goes as far as Jenny scolding her mother and giving her advice on how to treat their son--as someone who is around him the most, she has developed the best knowledge of him, as seen on page 168: “I took the batteries out of the racket…I told our parents to get rid of it permanently, and they laughed and called me on the phone and said, ‘Your brother is still our sweet little baby. He’s just trying to get attention, you know?’ To that I said, ‘Please. Please pay attention to him then.’” Her parents’ negligence towards her brother resulted in Jenny having to pay additional attention to him, or at least inform her parents of this. Although her role to her brother is shaped by many factors, it’s important to note the motherly role she takes on in their parent’s absence.

A trait commonly associated with eldest daughters is independence, and Jenny is no exception to this. A pivotal moment of the story is when she goes to California for two weeks, and her family seemingly guilts her in an attempt to not go. Jenny feels chained down to her family, and with the responsibilities of being the oldest, she feels more eager to escape her family and all of her obligations. On 150, Jenny expresses her frustration to her family: “‘Why,’ I wailed to our parents the week I got back, ‘do we have to do everything together? Why can’t you ever go someplace without us?’ … ‘Why does it always have to be the four of us? Do you really think I’m going to live here forever? Maybe he will.’ I said, pointing to my brother. ‘But not me.’” Jenny feels suffocated and weighed down by her family. Although this could be chalked down to teenage angst and wanting to spend less time with her family, the burdens she carries from her role in the family motivate her to escape her responsibilities for a bit. Being the oldest, she has had to learn so much by herself with a lack of help from her mostly absent parents, which allows us to understand more about why she is so eager to move out.

It’s important to consider intersectionality as a theme of “The Evolution of My Brother.” Another crucial aspect of Jenny’s character is that she and her family are first-generation immigrants from China, and were lower-class when they first immigrated. Children of immigrants bear more weight and responsibility than a native peer would, as they have to adjust to assimilating into American society, stress from assisting their parents, and more. A significant value held within many Asian communities is family, and this is prevalent with the self-sacrificing nature of the members of Jenny and her family, along with her parents’ tendencies to do things as a family. This emphasis on family is exemplified in 153 when her mother explains their upbringing: “‘All that’s important is what happens to our family. Our family is just too lucky. I’ve got you and your brother and your father and we live in this gorgeous house, and every day I wake up and feel so lucky.’” With this emphasis on family, Jenny feels more guilty in leaving her family, while also driving her desire to escape this tightly confined space. She recognizes the sacrifices her parents made to set up a good life for her and her brother: “I paid attention to that my parents had suffered, too, they had struggled, too, and whatever happened to them in the year before I was brought to America was somehow related to their refusal to even order beverages at restaurants…they never stopped me or my brother from ordering those drinks, though I rarely did anyways, because…because of what? Because I was closer to that time of their lives when they had suffered and lived without much energy to dream?” (153). As the firstborn, only she can realize the hardships her parents experienced in a way her younger brother cannot. She subconsciously takes on more weight due to this burden of knowledge and desire to not burden her family even more. This is dramatized by her family’s early financial struggles and further adds to her load.

Jenny’s complex character makes her an even more compelling narrator, and the intersectionality of her character is significant. In my opinion, I could not imagine the story as if Jenny was different. Of course, the story would change if the narrator were different, but I want to emphasize how important these traits are to Jenny’s character. Considering these traits allows the reader to better understand her and rationalize her thoughts and actions. I could visualize the story being similar if the age gap was smaller between her and her brother, or if her brother was her sister instead. Based on my own experiences and from what I’ve observed, the key characteristic of Jenny is that she is the eldest daughter of a first-generation immigrant Asian family. I do not speak for all eldest daughters but I found many parts of this story very relatable and applicable to my relationship with my older sister, despite the fact I am in the position of the youngest sibling :) (and in general I find analyzing this interesting!)

"Mothers, Lock Up Your Daughters Because They Are Terrifying" but Visualized (In COLOR)!

 

(Gouache, 7” x 10”)

I decided to paint specifically a scene on 458, although the art could fit as an overarching piece, and elements from the rest of the story are incorporated in this: 

“Honey, said Mom, You Won’t Let Me Get To Know You, Ronnie, Don’t You Love Me? Don’t You Like The Food I Make For You? Don’t You Miss Your Mother?

Ronnie shook her head.

Ronnie, I Am Going To Knock First—”

In my artistic interpretation of this story, I painted two figures, one of them red and the other blue. The blue one represents Ronnie, and the red Mom. Ronnie is looking down, appearing more solemn and sad. Mom is looking up at her, while reaching her hand out. This depicts Mom attempting to connect with Ronnie. When I was creating this, I didn’t have a picture in mind of what Ronnie nor Mom looked like, so their features are more vague. I decided to keep Mom even more vague and gave her loosely-defined features since that’s how I visualize her. Along with that, I also thought of the girls seeing her differently, as Mom was based on the girls’ perceptions on what a good parent should be and Mom would manifest differently for each of them.

The colors were intentionally chosen for this. I limited my palette to blue, red, black, and white, which are the same colors on the Korean flag. I chose blue for my depiction for Ronnie since blue is a versatile color. It can represent calmness, sadness, and aloofness, which I thought matched well with Ronnie’s character. Throughout the story, I thought of her as a calmer character, especially when compared with Mini and Caroline. Additionally, her distant and aloof nature is amplified with the presence of Mom. Her friends know little to nothing of her family and home life, and she refuses to let Mom in. I also left most of her face to be white, as white also has connotations with isolation. It is also commonly known to represent purity and innocence, which seems like it would contrast with Ronnie’s character but I will expand on that. 

Mom is painted red. Red is a color which especially has lots of meanings to it (both positive and negative), but I view it as a strong and passionate color. It can mean love, danger, aggression, and even be a color that promotes persuasion. All of these combine to make my portrayal of Mom. To Mini and Caroline, the red would mostly be tied with love, while for Ronnie, it would be the other meanings. 

When you look at the two figures interacting in my painting, the hand that reaches out to Ronnie’s face leaves behind trails of red. It is especially prevalent on the white parts of Ronnie’s face, showing a clearer effect of Mom on Ronnie—that she is tainting her. This also alludes to the ending of the story, where Ronnie and Mom merge together: “Who are we? We are Ronnie and someone standing behind her, with hands on my shoulders, a voice in her ear, and sometimes we are someone standing inside her, with feet in her shoes, moving her around” (459). This is further emphasized at the middle of the painting. Neither of Ronnie or Mom’s bodies are defined, but they rather fade into each other, creating a purple (which is what red and blue mix to). It shows the process of Ronnie and Mom becoming one.

Experiences of a Second-Generation Immigrant and How Media Affects You (“Playing Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain" by Jamil Jan Kochai)

 “But now, at the door, is your father.

“‘Mirwais?’ he is saying, very gently, the way he used to say it when you were a kid, when you were in Logar, when you got the flu, when the pills and the I.V. and the home remedies weren’t working, when there was nothing to do but wait for the aching to ebb, and your father was there, maybe in the orchard, maybe on the veranda, and he was holding you in his lap, running his fingers through your hair, and saying your name, the way he is saying it now, as if it were almost a question.

“Keep going.” (Kochai 14-15).

In “Playing Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain,” Jamil Jan Kochai describes the relationship between a son and his veteran father, represented through a video game. As the narrator immerses himself in Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain’s setting of Afghanistan, he visualizes himself in his childhood hometown of northern Kabul. He becomes more and more engaged in this delusion of saving his father and uncle during the war, as his family periodically interrupts with concern. 

Near the end of the story, just after the narrator is bringing his father and uncle to safety in the game, “now, at the door, [was his] father.” (14). After attempts of other family members in breaking away the narrator’s attention from the game, his father finally comes to the door of his locked room: “‘Mirwais?’ he is saying, very gently, the way he used to say it when you were a kid” (14-15). The narrator has pulled himself away from reality, he resides in this reimagined version of the game, in which he is able to rekindle and save his father. In the game, he saves his father from the war, but does not focus on the current reality of his father being there for him.

The narrator continues with his description: “when you were in Logar, when you got the flu, when the pills and the I.V. and the home remedies weren’t working, when there was nothing to do but wait for the aching to ebb, and your father was there, maybe in the orchard, maybe on the veranda, and he was holding you in his lap, running his fingers through your hair, and saying your name, the way he is saying it now, as if it were almost a question” (14-15). Typically seen in this story, interjections from reality, such as his brother knocking on the door, are summed up in a simple sentence. This longer description of a memory shared with his father demonstrates his reminiscing and almost a spiraling of his thoughts; it implies a wistfulness and an underlying longing. The memory takes place when the narrator was younger, back in his childhood home. It portrays a simple moment, an act of tenderness between father and son, when there was nothing to worry about besides this illness. It is a stark contrast to the present, where his father only speaks to him in English, since he has long given up on trying to speak to him in Pashto. As he grows older, he only grows more disconnected from his family and to his heritage as a result. Neither of them know how to express their affection now to each other, especially with the added burden of the language barrier.

 

His father calls him “‘Mirwais?’...the way he used to say it when [he was] a kid” (14). He may say it the same but the relationship is no longer the same as it was before. This moment reveals how deeply he and his father still care about each other, but only emphasizes the growing chasm between them, as neither are able to connect with one another. His father even calls to him “as if it were almost a question” (15). A father calling to his son is usually shown to be done without a doubt, but the hesitancy in his tone stresses how their relationship is now uncertain territory. Despite this, the narrator tells himself to “keep going” (15). He is unable to grasp reality; he experiences a delusion of saving his family in the game but in real life, he cannot show the same amount of care to his father. In the narrator’s eyes, this game is used to rekindle him and his father’s relationship, as he does not know how to do the same in reality.

 

“Playing Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain” uses a second person point-of-view to immerse the reader in the narrator’s shoes and experience the world the same as he does. The format of the story elaborates so much on what occurs in the game, it almost causes the reader to get lost in the description, mimicking what the narrator is experiencing. It emphasizes how the line between fiction and reality is hard to distinguish, further pushing the message that the media you consume has an effect on you. When playing it, the narrator does not think about it; he is so attached to what is on the screen and continues to mindlessly consume. Furthermore, Kochai does an incredible job showcasing generational trauma and the experience of being a second-generation immigrant. He shows the clear separation between the narrator and his family: how he is unable to fully connect with them, so he surrounds himself in American culture, shown with playing these games and blasting MF Doom. In immersing himself with this, he rejects his own heritage because it has never felt like his own---he does not share the same experiences as his father nor the rest of his family.